See this.

I wonder

if you still look at me.

When you see me in the halls,

do you notice me?

Are we still friends,

or what?

Were we ever friends,

or just something else entirely?

I wish i could talk to you

and ask these questions.

But somehow,

i feel...ashamed?

Is that the word for it?

i don't know.

I try to send random texts,

just to start a conversation.

But it never really works,

because i think you're on to me.

The last time we talked was

one day after summer school.

you made me so mad...

And now,

i'm writing a story

of what i wish could have been

between you and me.

And all i want to do is talk to you.

I don't want a rekindled relationship

or even a real friendship.

I just want to talk to you

every once in a while.

But maybe

not even that

is a good idea.

Will you see this?

Probably not.

But hey,

you might.

Dizzy.

My poem "Dizzy" has been published in two books (:

I entered them in the World Poetry Movement contest ($1,000 Grand Prize) and Eber and Wein Publishing contest ($2,000 Grand Prize).

I received two letters today, one from each contest.

They both told me that my poem was published in their book and automatically entered into the final contest.

In one of the contests 1st and 2nd prize winners get a Gold or Silver medal and in the other 2nd prize winners get $100 and a plaque and 3rd prize winners get a plaque.

Whether i get a plaque or a medal, i would be so excited.

Even if it was just bronze!

If i win either of the grand prizes, they'll be going in my savings account for college.

Speaking of that...

I have a piggy bank in my room with $28.22. That is an accomplishment (:

It's made up completely of change and 1 dollar bills.

Today is a day of proudness.

This is really the first time i've felt proud of myself in a long time.

Je déteste les garçons.

Literally...

you can't live with them, but you can't live without them.

All of them are so confusing.

Telling you one thing at 3:00 and then telling you the exact opposite at 5:00.

One day, you want nothing to do with me.

The next, you get mad because i'm watching a movie and won't spend time with you.

Make up your mind.

It's really not that hard, i promise.

I got 99 problems, you better hope you're not one.

F*** around and never get Roger back.

You know who you are.

Wow. You sent me a text message.

I checked my phone expecting a text from my brother, my sister, my Ora, or my boyfriend...but i saw your name instead.

How strange is it?

Knowing that we used to talk every day...break the rules just to talk to each other.

And now...well, now we never talk.

Literally...i haven't talked to you since football season.

I almost left him for you, you know.

I even told him. I told him that i was starting to feel the way i used to.

He accepted it...

But i chose to stay with him. Lucky i did.

10 happy months.

Would i have gotten that with you? Could you have given that to me?

I guess we'll never know.

You always promised me that when you turned 16, you would be with me again.

You're 16 now...

Oh, how things change.

You texted me, wondering about my blog.

Knowing you still look at it gives me the idea that you still care...

even if it's just a little...

...You know who you are.

Pickled Mornings.

I'm at B's house right now.

spent the night

Me, B, and Cherry watched Pearl Harbor...i told them everything that happens because i like to spoil it ;P

Well anyways, it was the first night i slept on the couch. B usually sleeps on the couch and i sleep in his bed. Well, i wanted to try out the couch, since i sleep on it every day after school.

So i wake up this morning about 9 is and go to the bathroom. Decide that when i get done in the bathroom i'll go be sweet and wake him up all nicely.

No.

I sat on the floor for a minute, then i sat on the side of the bed and touch his arm. He opened his eyes and looked like he just saw someone die. Then i give him a kiss on the cheek and he says "No. Stop. I'm trying to..." and then he stopped talking? Am i suppose to know what you were saying, you jerk?

So, thinking that he'll realize i'm leaving and chase after me, i stood up and walked away with my laptop.

no, no, not at all.

He merely turns over in his bed and goes back to sleep.

So now, i'm sitting here, alone, in the living room. I would wake Cherry up buts she's so pretty when he's sleeping and i don't want to ruin her dreams! And their sister was out here with me...but she left.

I don't know what to do D:

I could really use some pickle flavored Pringles right about now.

Yeah...right now.

A,B,C.

In the hallways...
though, you seem to never see me. It's weird, how some days you seem so...interested. But other days you are so distant and...RUDE >:(

I wish that i could talk about B with you. But every time i do, you get so depressed. Or, you act that way...depressed.

is that what our whole relationship used to be based on? Depression. If the answer is no...well, that's how it seemed.

speaking of being depressed... i could just slap this teacher. Won't sat who it is or what she/he did...but all im going to say is that teachers don't know how to grade. Plain and Simple.

B has a football game tonight. It's out of town...away...>:(
i wish it wasn't, because i don't get home until the crack of friggin dawn.
And B...is going to his dads house this friday.
Does he have to? No.
Dose he want to? Yes.
How does he act when he comes home? Like a big fat stupid mean jerk.
Does he do it on purpose? YES.
How do you know? He told me...with his own words.
Whatever, B...you act like a jerk and see how many more days you get your back rubbed...

Well i must depart from the computer. I gotta a football game to attend to...

C me, love him.

Dear C,

Through all that we've been through together, you would think that i would hate you. But i don't. No, i just don't agree with you. I don't think it's right that you run away every time i say something wrong. Or when you hate me (or yourself?) because i'm not with you.

B has given me something that you never did...stability. I don't have to worry about him leaving me for someone else, or telling me he hates me, calling me names, getting upset and leaving over something said.

You know what you did wrong. Or do you?

I don't want you to leave again. Even though we aren't "together"...we can still be friends. We can be best friends. Always there for each other when we need someone. Do you not see that i still care for you? I don't want you to leave again, C. You've left me to many times before...and honestly, i don't think i could do it again.

Just know C, that whoever you are with...whatever you chose to do with your life...whatever trouble you get yourself into...i'll always be here. I've already told you this. I'm here for you. And i will always be.

Unless you leave again.

Love,

A