C me, love him.

Dear C,

Through all that we've been through together, you would think that i would hate you. But i don't. No, i just don't agree with you. I don't think it's right that you run away every time i say something wrong. Or when you hate me (or yourself?) because i'm not with you.

B has given me something that you never did...stability. I don't have to worry about him leaving me for someone else, or telling me he hates me, calling me names, getting upset and leaving over something said.

You know what you did wrong. Or do you?

I don't want you to leave again. Even though we aren't "together"...we can still be friends. We can be best friends. Always there for each other when we need someone. Do you not see that i still care for you? I don't want you to leave again, C. You've left me to many times before...and honestly, i don't think i could do it again.

Just know C, that whoever you are with...whatever you chose to do with your life...whatever trouble you get yourself into...i'll always be here. I've already told you this. I'm here for you. And i will always be.

Unless you leave again.

Love,

A

Between them and that.

Depressed and obsessed, as always, about my grades.

(though my grades aren't as bad as that...and B- still isn't cool...)

{Miss those books...from elementary school...those were the good, carefree days...}

Yeah yeah, they are honors classes, so with with a B- its really an A.

But i don't friggin care. I want an A. STRAIGHT A's. God...i'm so upset over this. Me and Cherry are ranting >:(

And these boys. Boys, Boys, Boys.

C says "well i'm leaving you." why? Really? I don't need this again. C, you were everything to me...everything...and you told you me you hated me. Left me for my best friend. Just...ended things for no reason. C, this is it. You can have some of me or none at all. I'm sorry. I can't just leave B (who is everything to me) and drop everything for you. C, I love you as my friend and my past love interest...but it's over now. You ended it. You made me afraid. But i'm the stupid one that kept taking you back...

B...you are my everything (:

I had so much fun with you tonight, just glad i got to see you for once after school. You really make me forget everything i've been through. You and Cherry (: Hey kid, maybe we'll get married one day...then Cherry really WILL be my sister. ^_^

Either way, B, married or not, you're stuck with me for life. Me and Cherry...we're like THIS *crosses fingers* and she definitely won't get rid of meeee!!!

Between B, C, and stupid Honors classes...i don't get any sleep.

But hey, i'm a teenager. Who needs sleep? I should be going all night and lighting it up like it's dynamite. (ha ha, get it? The song? yeah...)

B mine.

B came over tonight.

Made me realize how i've moved on from C.

C, you were first. You had your chance(s) and you...ruined(?) it.

Me and B had so much fun tonight though (:

We watched the House Bunny and made pizza and then we ate the pizza and watch more of the House Bunny and then went outside.

Outside, we took the dumpster down to the road, where B managed to fall down on his butt. It was really funny :D then, we laid on the drive way and looked at the sky and talked about stuff. And then we blew some bubbles. And then we went inside and watched another movie.

More importantly he was just here. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay forever.

But before B came over, Cherry was here (: Me and here had some goood laughs!

we played games with my parents and watched scary movies and got sugar high O.o

B and C met the other day...i wasn't there...but from what i heard, it was pretty awkward.

Other than that, nothing has really happened. I went to Viola lessons on saturday, as always. But this week i am going to practice. I am going to transcribe that song, i am going to stay MOTIVATED AND DEVOTED!!!

Well, in other news, i keep getting letters from one college in particular that i can't wait to attend in...3 years? I dunno, not like i'm keeping count *wink*

I am beat after a long day with Cherry and B. Retiring to slumber land.

Thgindoog.

C him go.

Ooooh C. You will be the death of me.

You know, it's sort of a love/hate relationship with him. I love talking to him, loving seeing him in the hallways, love his personality and everything. But i hate what he did to me. I hate who he used to be...but now he seems different. More friendly, less angry (is it an act?)....i don't know if i've changed at all. i guess only he can tell me that.

Me and C. we talk so much. From the time school gets out until we fall asleep (unless we're busy). Me and B talk all the time too, though. Unless he wants his..."me" time. *rolls eyes*

I'm not trying to choose, no. I'm trying to decide what kind of relationship i have with C. it's more than a friend relationship but less than a romantic one. I think maybe it's because of what we had...had. What a sad word. The past tense version of have.

Now that i'm talking to him though, i miss him so much. I flip through my journal and read what i wrote and wish i still felt that way. But i can't feel that way. I try. I try to forget about B for 5 minutes. see what it would be like to not have him and just have C.

But i just...can't.

It's so confusing, my feelings for him. It's like they are impossible to understand unless you are in my mind, because i really can't explain.

Grr. I've been through this more than once with C. I don't want to do it again if it has the same ending. Whatever...i don't know who is going to decide what i do...

but its NOT

going to be

me.

AHHHH ORA TAKE MY CONFUSION AWAY. I love you Ora.

I like ur pots. you better give me one (:

Consistency.

Man, have i been...lazy and...well, inconsistent! I have nothing to write about. Or i do...but it feels like too much.

I'm A. This one boy, who comes first, is B. and then the other boy is C. (literally. our names start with A, B, and C. How weird, right?)

So...B is the sweetest, most awesome boyfriend i've ever had. He treats me with respect, he's kind and loving. It's been almost 3 months that we've been together now, the parents approve and we get to see each other every day outside of school.

Okay, no C was my first boyfriend. That was a long time ago...3 years. I was young (too young to have a boyfriend) and i was crazy about him. So crazy that i didn't get over him until B came along and swept me off my feet...(ha ha =])

Well C and i stopped talking for a while. Just recently we started again (literally two days ago) but we've been talking ALOT. Learning how much we've changed in 3 years. I'm starting to realize that i miss him. a lot. but really...i wish i didn't miss him.

I miss what he gave me 3 years ago...he was my first love. as the song says..."When i was 13...i had my first love..." (i've got me some beiber fever :D)

it's not the same as it was with "Boy 1" and "Boy 2"...definitely not. I'm not trying to choose...i got "Boy 2" aka B, and i am soooo happy with that.

(He has his up's and down's but what can i say...we always make up and it's so much better.)

Of course, you'll always wonder what it would be like to stay with your first love...and C keeps telling me that he wishes he had me back and that he's jealous of B.

Relationship drama is so crazy and stressful and tiring. There's and update. I got good grades, a good boyfriend, and THE BEST FRIEND ON THE EARTH NAMED ORA!!!!!!! (I love you ora).

I'm going to retire to my dreams and leave my drama in the real world...i'm pretty sure it can take care of things for 8 hours while i sleep.

Miss.

You know how you miss someone, and you feel that ache deep in your chest? Or you imagine that you are laying next to them, and then you believe you are, and you open your eyes...and they're not there? And you cry because its been a week since you've seen them and you just yearn for them. You need their touch and their hug to feel completely happy again. Talking over the web cam doesn't fulfill that need.

I dream of this person a lot. And I don't ever want that dream to end, even if it's a nightmare. And every night i go to sleep i hope for a dream that has him in it. I invite it into my subconscious mind. Doesn't work too often, though.

In other news...I am officially a Sophomore, enrolled and ready. Yearbook ordered, pictures taken, agenda received, and schedule prepared. This day started early and ended early. It ended like....5 hours ago. Ha (: Goodnight world.

Mac OS X...Feels cool to say!

Yesterday was, indeed, a hectic day. First, i go to sleep at 5:30 in the morning. Then i get up at 7:30 in the morning. Then we go do errands and stuff. I got my permit, finally! (: then it was off to best buy to shop for some computers. i ended up picking a 15 inch MacBook Pro with Mac OS X Leopard. Then i got a purse thing for it, a printer (HP PhotoPro Plus), and iWork and MobileMe. The grand total was like....2,700....yes. I know, horrible.

But...thats not all.

when i get home i want to install my printer (which was the wrong one. They gave us the wrong one...) and it kept asking and asking for a password. I didn't know what my password was...nobody told me that they just leave it blank! So my computer froze up and i started crying like a big baby. This was at 2:30. So we get up at 7:30 to go back to best buy, exchange the printer, and get my MacBook worked on. Needless to say, its working perfectly now...and i love it (: