See this.

I wonder

if you still look at me.

When you see me in the halls,

do you notice me?

Are we still friends,

or what?

Were we ever friends,

or just something else entirely?

I wish i could talk to you

and ask these questions.

But somehow,

i feel...ashamed?

Is that the word for it?

i don't know.

I try to send random texts,

just to start a conversation.

But it never really works,

because i think you're on to me.

The last time we talked was

one day after summer school.

you made me so mad...

And now,

i'm writing a story

of what i wish could have been

between you and me.

And all i want to do is talk to you.

I don't want a rekindled relationship

or even a real friendship.

I just want to talk to you

every once in a while.

But maybe

not even that

is a good idea.

Will you see this?

Probably not.

But hey,

you might.

Dizzy.

My poem "Dizzy" has been published in two books (:

I entered them in the World Poetry Movement contest ($1,000 Grand Prize) and Eber and Wein Publishing contest ($2,000 Grand Prize).

I received two letters today, one from each contest.

They both told me that my poem was published in their book and automatically entered into the final contest.

In one of the contests 1st and 2nd prize winners get a Gold or Silver medal and in the other 2nd prize winners get $100 and a plaque and 3rd prize winners get a plaque.

Whether i get a plaque or a medal, i would be so excited.

Even if it was just bronze!

If i win either of the grand prizes, they'll be going in my savings account for college.

Speaking of that...

I have a piggy bank in my room with $28.22. That is an accomplishment (:

It's made up completely of change and 1 dollar bills.

Today is a day of proudness.

This is really the first time i've felt proud of myself in a long time.

Je déteste les garçons.

Literally...

you can't live with them, but you can't live without them.

All of them are so confusing.

Telling you one thing at 3:00 and then telling you the exact opposite at 5:00.

One day, you want nothing to do with me.

The next, you get mad because i'm watching a movie and won't spend time with you.

Make up your mind.

It's really not that hard, i promise.

I got 99 problems, you better hope you're not one.

F*** around and never get Roger back.

You know who you are.

Wow. You sent me a text message.

I checked my phone expecting a text from my brother, my sister, my Ora, or my boyfriend...but i saw your name instead.

How strange is it?

Knowing that we used to talk every day...break the rules just to talk to each other.

And now...well, now we never talk.

Literally...i haven't talked to you since football season.

I almost left him for you, you know.

I even told him. I told him that i was starting to feel the way i used to.

He accepted it...

But i chose to stay with him. Lucky i did.

10 happy months.

Would i have gotten that with you? Could you have given that to me?

I guess we'll never know.

You always promised me that when you turned 16, you would be with me again.

You're 16 now...

Oh, how things change.

You texted me, wondering about my blog.

Knowing you still look at it gives me the idea that you still care...

even if it's just a little...

...You know who you are.

Pickled Mornings.

I'm at B's house right now.

spent the night

Me, B, and Cherry watched Pearl Harbor...i told them everything that happens because i like to spoil it ;P

Well anyways, it was the first night i slept on the couch. B usually sleeps on the couch and i sleep in his bed. Well, i wanted to try out the couch, since i sleep on it every day after school.

So i wake up this morning about 9 is and go to the bathroom. Decide that when i get done in the bathroom i'll go be sweet and wake him up all nicely.

No.

I sat on the floor for a minute, then i sat on the side of the bed and touch his arm. He opened his eyes and looked like he just saw someone die. Then i give him a kiss on the cheek and he says "No. Stop. I'm trying to..." and then he stopped talking? Am i suppose to know what you were saying, you jerk?

So, thinking that he'll realize i'm leaving and chase after me, i stood up and walked away with my laptop.

no, no, not at all.

He merely turns over in his bed and goes back to sleep.

So now, i'm sitting here, alone, in the living room. I would wake Cherry up buts she's so pretty when he's sleeping and i don't want to ruin her dreams! And their sister was out here with me...but she left.

I don't know what to do D:

I could really use some pickle flavored Pringles right about now.

Yeah...right now.

A,B,C.

In the hallways...
though, you seem to never see me. It's weird, how some days you seem so...interested. But other days you are so distant and...RUDE >:(

I wish that i could talk about B with you. But every time i do, you get so depressed. Or, you act that way...depressed.

is that what our whole relationship used to be based on? Depression. If the answer is no...well, that's how it seemed.

speaking of being depressed... i could just slap this teacher. Won't sat who it is or what she/he did...but all im going to say is that teachers don't know how to grade. Plain and Simple.

B has a football game tonight. It's out of town...away...>:(
i wish it wasn't, because i don't get home until the crack of friggin dawn.
And B...is going to his dads house this friday.
Does he have to? No.
Dose he want to? Yes.
How does he act when he comes home? Like a big fat stupid mean jerk.
Does he do it on purpose? YES.
How do you know? He told me...with his own words.
Whatever, B...you act like a jerk and see how many more days you get your back rubbed...

Well i must depart from the computer. I gotta a football game to attend to...

C me, love him.

Dear C,

Through all that we've been through together, you would think that i would hate you. But i don't. No, i just don't agree with you. I don't think it's right that you run away every time i say something wrong. Or when you hate me (or yourself?) because i'm not with you.

B has given me something that you never did...stability. I don't have to worry about him leaving me for someone else, or telling me he hates me, calling me names, getting upset and leaving over something said.

You know what you did wrong. Or do you?

I don't want you to leave again. Even though we aren't "together"...we can still be friends. We can be best friends. Always there for each other when we need someone. Do you not see that i still care for you? I don't want you to leave again, C. You've left me to many times before...and honestly, i don't think i could do it again.

Just know C, that whoever you are with...whatever you chose to do with your life...whatever trouble you get yourself into...i'll always be here. I've already told you this. I'm here for you. And i will always be.

Unless you leave again.

Love,

A

Between them and that.

Depressed and obsessed, as always, about my grades.

(though my grades aren't as bad as that...and B- still isn't cool...)

{Miss those books...from elementary school...those were the good, carefree days...}

Yeah yeah, they are honors classes, so with with a B- its really an A.

But i don't friggin care. I want an A. STRAIGHT A's. God...i'm so upset over this. Me and Cherry are ranting >:(

And these boys. Boys, Boys, Boys.

C says "well i'm leaving you." why? Really? I don't need this again. C, you were everything to me...everything...and you told you me you hated me. Left me for my best friend. Just...ended things for no reason. C, this is it. You can have some of me or none at all. I'm sorry. I can't just leave B (who is everything to me) and drop everything for you. C, I love you as my friend and my past love interest...but it's over now. You ended it. You made me afraid. But i'm the stupid one that kept taking you back...

B...you are my everything (:

I had so much fun with you tonight, just glad i got to see you for once after school. You really make me forget everything i've been through. You and Cherry (: Hey kid, maybe we'll get married one day...then Cherry really WILL be my sister. ^_^

Either way, B, married or not, you're stuck with me for life. Me and Cherry...we're like THIS *crosses fingers* and she definitely won't get rid of meeee!!!

Between B, C, and stupid Honors classes...i don't get any sleep.

But hey, i'm a teenager. Who needs sleep? I should be going all night and lighting it up like it's dynamite. (ha ha, get it? The song? yeah...)

B mine.

B came over tonight.

Made me realize how i've moved on from C.

C, you were first. You had your chance(s) and you...ruined(?) it.

Me and B had so much fun tonight though (:

We watched the House Bunny and made pizza and then we ate the pizza and watch more of the House Bunny and then went outside.

Outside, we took the dumpster down to the road, where B managed to fall down on his butt. It was really funny :D then, we laid on the drive way and looked at the sky and talked about stuff. And then we blew some bubbles. And then we went inside and watched another movie.

More importantly he was just here. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him to stay forever.

But before B came over, Cherry was here (: Me and here had some goood laughs!

we played games with my parents and watched scary movies and got sugar high O.o

B and C met the other day...i wasn't there...but from what i heard, it was pretty awkward.

Other than that, nothing has really happened. I went to Viola lessons on saturday, as always. But this week i am going to practice. I am going to transcribe that song, i am going to stay MOTIVATED AND DEVOTED!!!

Well, in other news, i keep getting letters from one college in particular that i can't wait to attend in...3 years? I dunno, not like i'm keeping count *wink*

I am beat after a long day with Cherry and B. Retiring to slumber land.

Thgindoog.

C him go.

Ooooh C. You will be the death of me.

You know, it's sort of a love/hate relationship with him. I love talking to him, loving seeing him in the hallways, love his personality and everything. But i hate what he did to me. I hate who he used to be...but now he seems different. More friendly, less angry (is it an act?)....i don't know if i've changed at all. i guess only he can tell me that.

Me and C. we talk so much. From the time school gets out until we fall asleep (unless we're busy). Me and B talk all the time too, though. Unless he wants his..."me" time. *rolls eyes*

I'm not trying to choose, no. I'm trying to decide what kind of relationship i have with C. it's more than a friend relationship but less than a romantic one. I think maybe it's because of what we had...had. What a sad word. The past tense version of have.

Now that i'm talking to him though, i miss him so much. I flip through my journal and read what i wrote and wish i still felt that way. But i can't feel that way. I try. I try to forget about B for 5 minutes. see what it would be like to not have him and just have C.

But i just...can't.

It's so confusing, my feelings for him. It's like they are impossible to understand unless you are in my mind, because i really can't explain.

Grr. I've been through this more than once with C. I don't want to do it again if it has the same ending. Whatever...i don't know who is going to decide what i do...

but its NOT

going to be

me.

AHHHH ORA TAKE MY CONFUSION AWAY. I love you Ora.

I like ur pots. you better give me one (:

Consistency.

Man, have i been...lazy and...well, inconsistent! I have nothing to write about. Or i do...but it feels like too much.

I'm A. This one boy, who comes first, is B. and then the other boy is C. (literally. our names start with A, B, and C. How weird, right?)

So...B is the sweetest, most awesome boyfriend i've ever had. He treats me with respect, he's kind and loving. It's been almost 3 months that we've been together now, the parents approve and we get to see each other every day outside of school.

Okay, no C was my first boyfriend. That was a long time ago...3 years. I was young (too young to have a boyfriend) and i was crazy about him. So crazy that i didn't get over him until B came along and swept me off my feet...(ha ha =])

Well C and i stopped talking for a while. Just recently we started again (literally two days ago) but we've been talking ALOT. Learning how much we've changed in 3 years. I'm starting to realize that i miss him. a lot. but really...i wish i didn't miss him.

I miss what he gave me 3 years ago...he was my first love. as the song says..."When i was 13...i had my first love..." (i've got me some beiber fever :D)

it's not the same as it was with "Boy 1" and "Boy 2"...definitely not. I'm not trying to choose...i got "Boy 2" aka B, and i am soooo happy with that.

(He has his up's and down's but what can i say...we always make up and it's so much better.)

Of course, you'll always wonder what it would be like to stay with your first love...and C keeps telling me that he wishes he had me back and that he's jealous of B.

Relationship drama is so crazy and stressful and tiring. There's and update. I got good grades, a good boyfriend, and THE BEST FRIEND ON THE EARTH NAMED ORA!!!!!!! (I love you ora).

I'm going to retire to my dreams and leave my drama in the real world...i'm pretty sure it can take care of things for 8 hours while i sleep.

Miss.

You know how you miss someone, and you feel that ache deep in your chest? Or you imagine that you are laying next to them, and then you believe you are, and you open your eyes...and they're not there? And you cry because its been a week since you've seen them and you just yearn for them. You need their touch and their hug to feel completely happy again. Talking over the web cam doesn't fulfill that need.

I dream of this person a lot. And I don't ever want that dream to end, even if it's a nightmare. And every night i go to sleep i hope for a dream that has him in it. I invite it into my subconscious mind. Doesn't work too often, though.

In other news...I am officially a Sophomore, enrolled and ready. Yearbook ordered, pictures taken, agenda received, and schedule prepared. This day started early and ended early. It ended like....5 hours ago. Ha (: Goodnight world.

Mac OS X...Feels cool to say!

Yesterday was, indeed, a hectic day. First, i go to sleep at 5:30 in the morning. Then i get up at 7:30 in the morning. Then we go do errands and stuff. I got my permit, finally! (: then it was off to best buy to shop for some computers. i ended up picking a 15 inch MacBook Pro with Mac OS X Leopard. Then i got a purse thing for it, a printer (HP PhotoPro Plus), and iWork and MobileMe. The grand total was like....2,700....yes. I know, horrible.

But...thats not all.

when i get home i want to install my printer (which was the wrong one. They gave us the wrong one...) and it kept asking and asking for a password. I didn't know what my password was...nobody told me that they just leave it blank! So my computer froze up and i started crying like a big baby. This was at 2:30. So we get up at 7:30 to go back to best buy, exchange the printer, and get my MacBook worked on. Needless to say, its working perfectly now...and i love it (:

Moosci

Music can change your mood. It doesn't matter what kind of day you are having. A song comes on and it can pep you up, make you smile, or make you cry.

Music is like the core of art. You listen to music to draw, paint, write, sculpt, design, choose, feel.

My music plays according to my mood. Isn't that how it always is?

• Hyper: Telephone by Lady Gaga
• Happy: Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby Mcferrin
• Depressed: Desert Song by My Chemical Romance
• Pissed Off: I Set My Friends On Fire by Aiden
• Lovey-Dovey: Perfect Two by Auburn
• Thinking-Mood: The Last Day On Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke

Well...In other news I'm reading a book and making a video about it. The video has to be AT LEAST 5 minutes long. Well, this is a great opportunity in preparing me for my Video-Editing career!! I'm really excited to do this. I'm getting a new editing program, building a green screen, getting people to act for me. It's going to be so much fun. I just have to read the book and write 10 journals first. Oh, High school, you're so good to me....*sarcasm*

My Metiphorical Prediciment

It's like when you go to the ice cream place...and you say "I want twist please." and they say "oh sorry, the twist is broken. You have to choose either chocolate or vanilla. "Now, which would you choose? I have to choose, between two boys that are both wonderful in their own ways. But I don't know who to choose. My advice so far has consisted of "do what makes you happy" and "just make sure you make the right choice." well, I, for one, do NOT know what the right choice is. How would I?? I see boy 1 every day...but I talk to boy 2 like waaaay more every day. Boy 1 is hilarious and cute and nice. Boy 2 is funny and sweet and also very cute. I just can't choose.
So, tickets are on sale for how this plays out. I'm buying one. If I don't like this ending...I am DEMANDING my money back.

Just like paper.

Torn down the middle. This is crazy and it's never been like this before. I don't get it but i wish i could. It's times like these when i think..."What would Salad Fingers do?"

Well, he would probably just stick a child in the oven...or sit this one out in the safety cupboard.

But, i have neither of those options. All i have is my feelings and my thoughts. That's a lot...but not enough.

I need to talk to HOPE about this. Really, i do. She knows everything. She knows what to do. It's like...she's the realm of relationship advice. Ha, no, maybe that's Dr. Phil...or Jerry Springer? Who cares...I JUST NEED TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO.

What?!

Don't you just hate it when you are having a lovely conversation with someone and they just...stop texting. Just out of nowhere...they never text back. Its ridiculous.
Anyways, another thing...I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING AT HOME. I haven't been anywhere in the two weeks that school as been out. I haven't been to other peoples house...they've been to mine. UGH. I want to go somewhere D:
And i hate it when your BEST FRIEND (hope...) leaves her phone off for like two days straight and doesnt talk to me...when her blog says some very interesting things that I WANT TO TALK ABOUT!!!!!
Geez...and her brother is the person i was talking about in the first sentence. He just...stops texting. It's really, very annoying.
I NEED to talk to you hope. *GRRRR*!!!!!

Now that i have NO time...

Since there are only three days of school left...i have not so much time on my hands. Study guides, art projects, books, studying....crazy. My school chose to have final exams on the last three days of school >:O

Well, i can look forward to summer. Straight A's...new hair color...best friends...my jobs...it's gonna be fun. And ill finally be able to drive! with someone at least 21 in the car...of course.

Well, thats all. I post soooo much last weekend it wasn't even funny. Now i can hardly find time to post in all this craziness.

DUMB TEACHERS.

Not saying teachers are dumb...but when it comes to grading...things don't usually work out...
My art teacher graded one of my projects UPSIDE DOWN. What art teacher does that? She wrote "80% for effort" on the back. Well, i confronted her today and she raised it a whole 10% because she realized that she was, in fact, wrong.
My English teacher gave an opinion based test. Everyone in the class got either a 64% (ME!) or 76% of 82%. AND my grade online says i got a 72%...what?!
Teachers are crazy. I don't understand...and they try to blame everything on us.

The name?

Where did it come from?

I don't really know. I was playing Guitar Hero and i needed a band name and so i typed Sour...sour what? I said to my friend josh "Give me any word that starts with A"...and he said "Anything"...there ya go. It's a pretty cool name.